You know that “damsel in distress” we’re supposed to be rescuing at the end of each game? That all-powerful monarch who rules over her people with a strength and grace only she could demonstrate? That girl locked up at the top of the tower, waiting for the hero to come save her from the evil overlord?
Yeah, her.
Well, it’s a load of shit.
This pretty pink princess can pack just as much of a punch as Link can and there’s plenty of evidence to prove it. I still do not understand why Zelda refuses to handle situations on her own when she has showed us more than enough times that she is perfectly capable of handling herself in combat, in planning and in performing heroic acts, yet she insists on sitting on her laurels and waiting for you (me, Link, whoever) to do the dirty work for her.
Don’t know what the hell I’m talking about?
That only means Zelda’s doing a fine job of covering up her true strengths. Time to uncover a few of Zelda’s lesser known legends, I say!
Here’s 2 reasons Princess Zelda has us all pegged as fools:
#1. Zelda, Princess of Kick-Assery
Okay, before I go on and on and on about this, please watch this very informative video on typical princess behaviour in video games:
Did you see her drop that sword? Did you see her surrender her whole kingdom to the King of the Twilight? Did you see her stand before her throne as her guards threw themselves at her enemies, lost their lives and became martyrs for her protection while she does nothing to stop them?
Well, now I implore you to watch this:
No, your eyes are not deceiving you. That was Princess Zelda beating the living crap out of a gigantic fire-breathing monster (cough, yes, I know it’s Bowser, cough) and making it look as easy as breathing. I know what you’re thinking. If she can use all this magic, fly, kick, make things explode and generate shields out of thin air, why the hell does she let herself get captured? Why doesn’t she escape her imprisonment on her own?
I have no freaking idea.
Maybe she just likes asking you to endanger your life searching for items, Triforce shards, and mystical weapons to break her out. Maybe she likes the thrill of acting helpless. Maybe she wants us to think she’s helpless.
In any case, I can’t make heads or tails of it. You’re a weird one, Your Highness.
Princess Zelda: Pulling godly weapons from out of nowhere since 1986.
#2. She’s a Freaking Goddess
I guess this doesn’t come as much of a surprise when you look at the above picture — she actually does pull the Light Arrows from virtually nothing at the end of Twilight Princess, though, right on time for your final battle with Ganondorf — and see how Zelda is capable of inhuman acts. But in terms of the story, I find it hard to believe that her imminent capture in each and every game can last so long when her lineage leads back to the Goddess that constructed Hyrule.
Suddenly, “princess” means “goddess reborn.” Some people have all the luck.
Now, it is a little unfair for me to accuse her of trying to deceive all of us because for a majority of most games in the series, she is not aware of this connection herself. I think it’s fair to say that if you didn’t know you were the God or Goddess of your world reborn into a new body, it probably wouldn’t be your first thought on a day-to-day basis either. The pressure of being a prince or princess probably gives you enough of a headache already.
However, once she finds out, it’s as though she’s known all along.
And that makes me suspicious.
Yep. Totally didn’t know how to do this two seconds ago, guys… yep.
I could understand if she found out about her heritage and tried experimenting with the powers she realizes she possesses. That, in my mind, is believable and appropriate character development. However, in most cases, she immediately exhibits mastery over her new-found abilities and pulls Deus Ex Machina-style solutions out of her ass that allow you to kill Ganondorf (or any other baddie) that you couldn’t damage before.
Not that I’m really complaining. It makes fighting Ganon a heck of a lot easier.
I just like how she plays innocent for the whole game until something awakens her and she goes, “oh, I remember all of this now,” while she pulls off some miraculous feat of magic.
Look what I can do, guys!
Real convincing, Zelda. Real convincing.
And that is why I think Princess Zelda is playing us all for fools. What do you think of our beloved damsel in distress? Do you think she’s a true damsel at all? Is she really in distress? You tell me!
Drop me a comment. Let’s talk Zelda.
Zelda: A Link to the Player 
Cindy
Very entertaining blog on the Zelda series!! I don’t know much about Zelda or how to play the games but this series brought many aspects of Zelda to life. It was entertaining and easy to follow, even for those not so familiar with the intricacies of the series. Well done!